There are days when my day job leaves me physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted that by the time I get home, I am sofa-bound for the rest of the night. It irks me whenever I am forced to use all of my energy to take care of things that are so unimportant at the end of the day, that by the end of the day I have no energy left for the things that are important to me. I'd much rather play with my baby girl, take her on a bike ride, or just plain spend some quality time with my husband.
With the third trimester arriving today, I am finding myself that much more physically exhausted but the blessing that comes with these milestones is that it provides a time and space for reflecting, and with reflection comes perspectives.
Every single day that I get into heated battles at work, I have constant reminders through kicks and hiccups that there are more important things to get my heart rates up than workplace politics. And so I simmer down and concentrate on my baby's stretches. After all, I know how fast these last 12 weeks will pass and that these immediate issues will soon blow over and life moves on.
I think about how this pregnancy has been so far, and what is in store for us. Despite our disagreements at work, I am aware of some of my colleagues' personal struggles, from problem with spouses to trying-to-conceive to cancer, and so I sometimes sit there in quiet desperation willing myself to absorb the blessings that had been bestowed unto me from this pregnancy, from the ease of conception to the ease of carrying to the sex. Not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, and sometimes even wonder why me and what I have done to deserve it all.
One of the biggest things I am still trying to wrap my mind around is the fact that we are about to have a boy, and that single fact still manages to surprise me every single time I sit down and really think about it. It is opening up a whole new world for me personally and with it a whole new level of possibilities for my family future. The uncertainty of it all admittedly scares me a little bit. When we discovered that our first born was a girl, I was at peace because there was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a good mother a girl. It seems to me natural and instinctual. I wonder if my husband felt then what I am feeling now about the possibility of raising a child of a different sex. But no matter how I feel about it, I know that I am blessed to be given two children, one of each sex, while many have tried and tried again and failed.
Being two thirds of the way in through this process for the second time, I am now just starting to appreciate how much the physical bodies are capable of. So many things seem so natural and familiar, yet so many more things seems foreign and unreal. But all of it lead me to the single fact that I am thankful for the ease of it all. Our conception was fast with both children having only tried once and being able to get pregnant immediately. We know how very fortunate we are as we witness first hand the frustrations that comes with not being able to conceive when they wanted to with some of our friends.
I am particularly thankful for the ease of both pregnancies, so far. They were different, but oddly familiar also, consisting of the obviously sick first trimester, the honeymoon second trimester, and the all consumingly tired third trimester. But through it all, there was not a single day that I cannot handle, and there were many days when I don't even feel like I am pregnant except for the obvious expanding waistline. My weight gain had always been under control, due largely in part to the fact that I didn't really have any craving other than fresh fruits. I did not get one single stretchmark with my last pregnancy and the second one seems to mirror the first. I was gestational diabetes free with both pregnancies, which in my mind is the biggest hurdle to get over.
I am thankful for the ability to get out of bed every day, to have the energy to get dress and get beautified for the work day, and to be able to work without any serious health interruptions. I think the clarity and appreciation of exactly what the body is capable of comes the second time around, when there is a toddler in tow who does not allow for the rest that usually comes easily in the first pregnancy.
And as I tackle the homestretch and the ultimate birth at the end, both always prove to be the hardest, I face it with a whole new level of perspective and humility that was not there with the first pregnancy. Moreover, being that this is the second and the planned last pregnancy, I am balancing the need to savor what's left of it and looking forward to the end where my life moves on beyond pregnancies and births with my two children. Admittedly the hardest part of all of this is the part where we have to raise these beings we created, but the beauty of it all is that there is so much flexibility there, to do what we feel is right for ourselves, for our children, and our family. No one else has a say in it ultimately and I love possibilities.