Week 85: Be easy to forgive your friends' periodic absence in your life

Gosh I know this one is really hard to do.  You may have grown to get use to a certain lifestyle, with certain people occupying that space, to finding yourself alone one day wondering where they disappear to. 

Be easy to forgive them and do your best to welcome them back when they are ready to return.  Understand that people move through life at different pace than you and sometimes it takes them off course for a while, and sometimes permanently.  Use this as a lesson to treasure the time that you have them for company and look forward to the day your courses will once again merge. 

Week 23

Mama turns 29 this week and as far as life plan goes, I'm exactly where I imagined I'd be: happily married, financially independent, homeowners with the pitter patter of little feet to etch the walls.  It feels good to be here.

But the truth of it all is that I fully believe that I can still be fully happy had it not all quite work out as I planned.  Such is life for you and how you cope with the disappointments of failed plans will define who you are as a person.   I want you to aim high in your life, and in particular, to aim for the things that will make you truly happy, but to also understand that happiness can be sourced from many origins, including failed plans.

Week 22

 

Pregnancy apparently does not get any easier the second time around.  Some of the fears and anxieties that were present in the first pregnancies are starting to flood back.  As I enter the second half of this pregnancy, the thought of giving birth and how the whole thing will play itself out is plaguing my mind.  Considering that the first birth experience was nothing like I thought it would be - it was easy and fast! - I fear that I will pay for it the second time in two folds.  I supposed such is life and its undiscovered mysteries, and that my birth experiences will work itself out.  All that matters is the prospect of a healthy baby who will soon occupy my arms.  And that is something to look forward to.

Week 21

Your sister is bursting with speech these days, so naturally we constantly ask her to say "I love you" to you.  Sometimes she obliges, sometimes she's stubborn.  When asked if you are a boy or a girl, she corrects us and shouts "Noooooo, baby!"  Oh that girl is a wise one.  To her you are a baby and you are her sibling, and she loves you with a ferocity that stems from that single notion.  Whatever you are, I am excited to soon be a witness to your unique relationship, and that, will and always be one of the greatest blessings of my life.

Week 20

I really really enjoy this stage of pregnancy.  You are constantly making me aware of your presence with a lot of baby kicks.  Honestly, up until this point of pregnancy, I really don't "feel" that you are there except for the occasional ultrasounds at the doctor's visits and the expanding waistline.  But as soon as you get big enough to kick so that I can feel you from the inside, the daily confirmations that you are alive and well and developing as you should makes for some very lovely moments.  I enjoy these little movements tremendously, and it is probably one of the many aspects of pregnancy that I miss the most after birth.  Baby kicks is one of those Mama's little secret.  They are gentle reminders of growth, of life, and what is most important.  When I sit in mundane work meetings and feel your movements inside my belly, I am reminded of exactly what is important in life and where my priorities are.  Thank you for these gentle reminders.

Week 18 and 19

We went in for the mid pregnancy anatomy scan on March 28, 2012.  As a compromise with your father, we decided that we will not reveal your gender until birth but opted to know for ourselves.  The night before, I was a bundle of nerves.  It certainly seemed like you sense my anxiousness because right before bed, you would not settle down and began to kick me continuously throughout the night.  This was really the first time I felt you kick, and you were so strong that even Daddy felt you.

At the ultrasound appointment, we saw you for a good long time from head to toe and we couldn't be happier to have been informed that you are healthy and are developing just as you should.  The only surprise was that 1) your gender, which took me by complete surprise and 2) you are actually much further along than we thought.  Our initial estimate was 18 weeks, but in fact you measure at 19 weeks and 3 days.  We are half way there to meeting you!

Your sister was present at the ultrasound because we wanted all of our family in one place for this momentous occasion.  And when the technician revealed your sex, we asked your sister to say it.  Her reply, "Noooo, baby!"  She is wise beyond her years, because she is indeed right -- boy or girl, you are our baby, her little sibling, and together, we are one family unit.  We simply cannot contain our excitement of finally being able to meet you.

Week 17

 

Your big sister knows that there is something in Mama's tummy.  She knows to call you Baby, and she associates the word to her dolls.  She is becoming very attached to her dolls and even asks for them before her naps and sleeps.  However, when we ask her if she is going to love the baby, she vehemently shakes her head.  But to be fair, she does this with any question we ask her. 

Both Daddy and I have big dreams for you two and the relationships you will build with each other.  It truly is one of the greatest gifts of life.

Week 16

 

Daddy and I went on a date this week, to celebrate our three year anniversary.  This is typically a non-momentous event, but the thing about pregnancies is that it has a way of making everything ordinary extraordinary.  While these past three years seemed to have passed in a blink of the eyes, and there are much things left undone that we want to do - as a couple, as a family - but a toddler and a pregnancy later proved that we have done much more than we could ever have imagined.  You and your sister will always remain the biggest accomplishments of our lives.

Week 15

Your father and I decided that this pregnancy will also be our last.  Be it as it may, there is an attempt to savor every last bit of this wondrous and fleeting journey.  So, we made a decision to keep your gender a surprise until delivery.  It was a hard decision to make, especially for your impatient father, but we feel it is the right one.  We have until March 28th to make the final decision, 4 weeks from now, as that would be the next time we see you on screen.

Based solely on the so-call mother's intuition, I believe you are a boy.

Princess Lia

One day this week, it was a surprisingly warm afternoon, and I forced my husband to go out to the front yard to take my weekly maternity pictures.  Naturally our daughter is always in tow because she loves the outdoor.  Typically she entertains herself during the five minute stretch that it takes to complete the session.  But that day, she twirled and danced and laughed herself silly, and her dad cannot help but join her.  I grabbed the camera from him and start shooting...

Recently, whenever she puts on a dress, she calls herself a princess. Now, her father and I had talked about not indulging her to have a princess complex, so we never even mention the word princess around her other than when we watch a princess movie. Somewhere along the way, she got it in her head that a dress equals princess, and twirls accordingly. It really is sweet. We don't discourage it, but we also don't encourage it either. We let it play out as it should.

On a different note, I simply adore their relationship. They have a very natural father-daughter relationship that is so different from mine and I love it whenever I get to be a witness to it, which luckily is very often. He really is a very good dad to our girl.

Week 84: Your employees are your peers, not your inferiors.

When I first started my career in public accounting at the Big Four firm, one of the senior partners left a very good impression on me by referring to me as a colleague despite the fact that I am only 6 months into my career, fresh out of college and know that I know nothing.  As I climbed the corporate ladder and acquired some employees in the process, I took care to treat and refer to them as my colleagues and not my inferiors. 

Week 83: Praise is the flip side of criticism. They are both judgment.

This is one of those things that I struggle with as your parent, because so often kids associate pride with love, and pride is often demonstrated through praises.  You will undoubtedly be exposed to the traditional definition of success throughout your life and will use it as the basis to determine your self-worth.  I want so badly to redefine the definition of success for you, to encompass it with character and spiritual qualities.  The world does not need any more successful people, but it desperately needs more lovers, dreamers, healers.  You will take the blunt of my success and failure in this regard, please do your best to not judge your mother too harshly.

Week 82: There is a fine balance between net worth and self worth.

One day you may find yourself working just a tad too hard to increase your net worth.  Don't neglect to also put some effort in increasing your self-worth, because for some reason, you may find that there is an indirect correlation between the two, at which point don't let yourself get too caught up on the former. 

Glorious 29

With the clouds and gloom present to fit this manic Monday, one would never have guessed that it was preceded by a glorious weekend that remind you of past summer days, and make your head spin with promises of the upcoming season shift. 

I turned 29 a week ago, and initially hadn't thought to do anything celebratory to commemorate the occasion.  But after a lot of insistent texts from friends, we decided that 4/21 was a good day when everyone was free to get together, so a Costco run later, we had a glorious impromptu, very casual but very intimate barbeque at the house.  We couldn't have timed it better because the weather really delivered.  We spent the whole night outdoor, laying blankets on the cold concrete floor for mothers to sprawl out wherever there is an empty spot, kids running wild with shirts stained with watermelon drippings, and dads coming in and out between the UFC fights on TV and the grill. 

We trade motherhood stories, comparing notes of our trials and celebrating each other's successes at reaching certain milestones in whatever stage of parenthood we are in.  We are a close bunch, in human connection, in friendships, in age and in parenthood.  Nothing is left unsaid, and nothing said is left for judgment.  Along with the celebration of birth, we celebrate pregnancies and gender and name reveals, but we also saved room to console the heartbreaks of continuing unsuccessful TTC journey.  We don't hold back from the celebration when the occasion calls for it, but we also save room to share in the disappointments of life, knowing that we never had to hold back with this group of people, whatever we are going through.

Words can never sufficiently describe how blessed I feel to have this group of people in my life.  I will always look back at my 29th birthday and remember how loved I felt, and in my humble opinion, that is a damn good way to bring in another year.

Week 81: Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you are right.

Famous words of Henry Ford.

But it also means others are allowed to feel the same.  You don't get to judge others on how they should feel, or worse, force their feelings otherwise.

Week 80: When in doubt, wash your hair.

I don't know how many times in my life where I get lazy and forego the opportunity to wash my hair thinking that I will have time to do it later.  Most of the time, something always come up and I live to regret it.  Let this simple example be the lesson to the greater things in life.

Week 79: If you think performing in front a room full of people is scary, wait until the seats are empty.

Such is life my darling.  You will have moments of success, where the crowd will gather to see you perform.  You will have moments of failure, where the seats are empty and the only audience to your great performance is you.  Learn to be comfortable in both situations, and try not to applaud or judge yourself to greatly under all circumstances.

unplug

I deleted my Facebook account today.  I'm uncertain what I am trying to achieve with it but wanted to see.

Admittedly I am logged in constantly, but because I did a good job of editing friends, limiting it to a little over 100 people, I feel like the need to constantly be plugged in is unnecessary because sometimes, I don't even see new feeds for hours, though I do constantly check to see if there is any.

I like to think that being plug in help my in-laws stay connected to my daughter, who is 3,000 miles away, but the reality is that they haven't commented on a single one of her picture in the last few months, so the excuse is a poor one.  I am already skeptical of the privacy issue as is and already post very few pictures as is, combine that with the lack of activities I see from the intended audience really solidify that it is a poor excuse.

Facebook makes my inner green monster rear its head on more occasions than I would like.  I see my friends go on trips and I get jealous.  I see them doing fun things as a family on their days off and I get jealous.  In actuality, my life is pretty damn fabulous as well, not by comparison but by its own right, and I want to get back to appreciating it for what it is.  Comparison really is the thief of joy and I want to be more purposeful in finding joy in what I do instead of finding misery in what I don't do.

And though I have done a really good job of preventing drama in the social medium, sometimes, there is drama created in my internal thoughts and I don't like it.  On more than one occasions, I perceive others to be bad friends, when in fact they probably are not, because they don't rave about me in a status update when I had went out of my way for them, but in the next status raved about how great someone is for having done something miniscule by comparison.  It's overly dramatic and completely unnecessary. 

I want to get back to my life - to take a picture of my child to freeze an important moment in time, not to post it as to see how many likes I get.  I don't want to take pictures to show off what a wonderful mother I am, but instead to one day show how much I love them through documented evidence.

Because there are too many moments lately where I am proud to have captured them because they tell a story of how my girl had really blossomed. 

She is happy and often show them in complete surrender of a smile, and how her smile looks just like her father's, but she is still in fact every bit a mama's girl.

I want to capture our experiences, our emotions, our dynamic as a family, for the sake of preserving a memory. I want to be less superficial. I have been told that I have a way of capturing human emotions in my photographs, and that is one of the best compliments I have ever received. I want to be purposeful, I want to document, I want to record this one wild and precious life, even if they are uneventful at times.

29.

I am 29 today.

There is no party, no get-together, no gifts, and I am NOT saying any of that with any level of resentment at all.  I am a private person (despite a public blog, lucky for me very few people read it).  I don't enjoy attention and find a lot of joy in my own company or the company of a few people I hold dear. 

This year, in its typical fashion of adult years, passed by so fast.  The days can be long but the years flew by.  But one of the greatest wisdom of age that I acquired is to stop trying to slow time down, but to live it in its pace.  I am really beginning to live this one wild and precious life.  Some days, I fail, others, I succeed.  But in a context of a year's time, I had lived. 

Here are 29 things I love right now, in no chronological order (see 28 here):
1.   Reconnecting with a dear old friend, a high school bestie, who finds her way back into my life recently and we are in mutual agreement to build our relationship back up.  There is a lot of history there and I appreciate a glimpse of my past in a present friendship.
2.  A good cup of Joe brightens my day.
3.  Coloring with my girl and witnessing her learning the world around her.  She takes a lot of pride in showing me her progress.  I take a lot of pride in her.
4.  Looking at the past plan I made for my life and seeing that about 1% of it is coming true.  I'm just glad it is the one where I had plan to be a mother of two by the time I turn 30 with a dear husband by my side.
5.  Being pregnant for the last time.  I am appreciating it in ways that I haven't and couldn't before.  My body is capable of growing, carrying and birthing a human.  That single fact is really cool. 
6.  Looking forward to the relationships my children will have with each other.  I have big dreams for them in that regard.
7.  Embracing photography and the ability to still a moment in time.
8.  The privilege of raising a child, and to witness and be amazed at her capabilities. 
9.  To understand my own capabilities by raising a child.
10. Appreciating that my baby girl's every physical feature comes from her dad, but she is still very much my girl with the things she do.
11. My baby girl's curly brunette hair and milky skin.
12. My husband's kind and loving heart.
13. Utter and complete trust between two human beings who built a relationship, a home and a family together.  I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone different.
14. A good pen that writes well make my day.
15. A good book.
16. Putting my heart and soul into a friendship, even when sometimes it is not reciprocated.  I get to choose how I would be a friend.
17. Saving money.
18. Enjoying a good sport game.  I find that it makes me more well rounded.
19. I don't really need as much stuff as I used to think.
20. Coming to term with relationships that have ended.  A lot of joy can be found in closure, and closure is a choice.
21. Realizing that I don't really need a home office after all.  I would much prefer tiny humans to occupy the bedrooms in our house.
22. Saying yes to invitations often comes with unexpected great surprises.
23. Good, mind-blowing sex with my husband after years of marriage and kids.
24. The effort to look good makes me feel good.
25. The effortless way we conceive our children.  I cannot even begin to fathom the stress otherwise.
26. The possibility of having a boy and a girl. I imagine it will test and surprise me in ways I cannot even imagine yet.
27. Loving on my friends' children is the best way to show them I love them.
28. I have the ability to put my whole heart and soul into the relationships I choose to nurture.
29. Money is replenishable.

our family life

I think our family life is a really good one.

Last night when I came home from work, we had a quick dinner and my girl wanted to watch Dora on my work laptop yet again.  Not wanting her to be used to the routine, I encouraged her to play with us.  This takes a lot of work on top of a very hard day at work, and I could very well turned on Dora for her and left her to watch by herself so I can have a few moments of peace on the couch to rest by growing belly.  But, I was determined to break a growing habit, so I crawled myself to the floor mat and ushered her to me to play with blocks and read books.  One thing led to another, her dad was beside us and we were practicing color with the ball pit.  Soon enough, she had forgotten about Dora and we were having a grand old time, and next thing we knew it was time for bed.

I do love nights like these where I am reminded that a little effort goes a long way.  Not only does it break up bad habits, it also really does leave lasting impressions of childhood memories.  I know because I remember what it was like as a kid when I had nights like these.  They are still imprinted in my mind to this very day.  

 

A lot goes on within these four walls of our house, and I honestly can say without a doubt that there are three very happy people (soon to be four) who occupy its space.   This is our home, and this is our family.  No one else is responsible for making it a good one, and our darnest effort is really paying off...our girl is thriving in her environment, and she's a happy little girl who knows she is loved.

 

I am confident that the child growing within me will feel the same when he/she makes his entrance into the world.  God knows that he is already so loved in utero.

Easter weekend

The weather returned to its spring-like wonder after a couple of weekends of rain.  Whilst we need the rain bad in this part of the world, the 70s degree was a welcome change, perfectly timed for the Easter celebration that we anticipated.  So, while my friends are in Vegas celebrating life and the turning of age, I didn't have too bad a time in town having opted out of joining them.

We started the weekend with a venture outdoor to the nearby town parade.  We were skeptical because we didn't know how our girl would like it.  All we know was that it was beautiful out and we wanted to do something...

She proved us wrong by having an awesome time!  During the one hour parade, she was standing up off the sidewalk and dancing and clapping and waving, just all around having a good time.  She called out the things she knows how to say ("bird," "bunny," "balloon") and the colors as the classic car made it way down the street ("yellow," "red," "green," "pink," and the all time favorite "blue").



On the way home, I commented on how much I enjoyed myself and meant it.  The parade was low key, not too crowded and the people in attendance pleasant.  We even got a bit of candy out of it though we missed the egg hunt.

On Sunday, we managed to boil some eggs and dye them, despite a very bad headache that overcame me and left me in bed for the better part of the morning. But I'm glad that we still manage to do it because it became such a memorable time. It's crazy to witness how much our girl had grown in a year, because this time last year, she barely managed to hold an egg and this year, she's intentional with the fragile thing.

And if she breaks it, it is because she wants to so that she can eat it.

Mama and Daddy has a good time decorating our own eggs as well.