My daughter, at 22 months

I can say this single phase "where did the time go?" everyday, but the repetition won't take away the fact, and the consequent surprise that comes with it, that time does indeed pass by too fast, especially where my daughter is concerned.  Sometimes I resent my day job from taking me away from her for 9 whole hours each day, but the reality is that she is growing up with or without me.

Lately, I am hyper aware that our time together, as a family unit of 3 will end soon, and I grief for it on the inside.  To make up for it, I spend as much time I have with her after work, to ride bikes, to water the plant, to push her on the swing in our backyard and all around just to be more present with her.  In many ways, I dread sleep training her (even though I know we have to), not for the hard work that would ensue, but because of the ultimate success at the end that would result in her being less dependent on me.

Just over the past few weeks, I see glimpses of a young girl that is no longer my baby, in her demeanor, in her speech, and sometimes in the pictures I captured.

Just the other day, I was pushing her on the swing and in her typical excitement and in between "wheeee!!!" She flat out said "Reggie! Look at me! I'm swinging!"  I almost died.  Where and when did my 22 month old know how to put sentences together?

On her first ride at Disneyland over Memorial Day weekend, I took a series of pictures of her on the ride, and in it, I saw the clear cautiousness present from being up high in the air, but also a glimpse of courage and enjoyment born out of curiosity of toddlerhood. 

 I love photography for this very reason where it is able to capture a moment in time that demonstrates the bigger picture of that time.  I will forever cherish these moments when my girl was 22 months.

From a totally biased opinion of a mother, my girl is a beautiful young girl who is used to being told that she is beautiful. But beyond her external beauty, I am beginning to see glimpses of the beauty that roots within her budding character, and I am most proud of those moments.  One day, I was cutting up a pear for us to snack on and I handed her a piece.  Instead of running off in her typical fashion, she stuck around and hang around at my leg, which made me curious so I asked her what else she needed.  Her response was "Daylin" and I instantly knew that she was sticking around for another piece for a friend that was visiting.  Needless to say, I handed her another piece and she ran straight out of the kitchen and handed her friend the second piece, where they enjoyed the snack in peace and quiet.  I shoved a piece of pear in my mouth immediately to distract me from the proud tears that was welling up inside of me and threatening to come out. 

In three months, she will officially be a big sister to a little boy and I'm excited to be a witness to her developing character as she learns to navigate the new territory of sharing and receiving love.  I have no doubt that my girl will adjust just fine, but for now I will be more present to her growth, and in the midnight hours, briefly grief for the time that is slipping away from me. 

This pregnancy, so far

There are days when my day job leaves me physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted that by the time I get home, I am sofa-bound for the rest of the night.  It irks me whenever I am forced to use all of my energy to take care of things that are so unimportant at the end of the day, that by the end of the day I have no energy left for the things that are important to me.  I'd much rather play with my baby girl, take her on a bike ride, or just plain spend some quality time with my husband. 

With the third trimester arriving today, I am finding myself that much more physically exhausted but the blessing that comes with these milestones is that it provides a time and space for reflecting, and with reflection comes perspectives.

Every single day that I get into heated battles at work, I have constant reminders through kicks and hiccups that there are more important things to get my heart rates up than workplace politics.  And so I simmer down and concentrate on my baby's stretches.  After all, I know how fast these last 12 weeks will pass and that these immediate issues will soon blow over and life moves on. 

I think about how this pregnancy has been so far, and what is in store for us.  Despite our disagreements at work, I am aware of some of my colleagues' personal struggles, from problem with spouses to trying-to-conceive to cancer, and so I sometimes sit there in quiet desperation willing myself to absorb the blessings that had been bestowed unto me from this pregnancy, from the ease of conception to the ease of carrying to the sex.  Not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, and sometimes even wonder why me and what I have done to deserve it all.

One of the biggest things I am still trying to wrap my mind around is the fact that we are about to have a boy, and that single fact still manages to surprise me every single time I sit down and really think about it.  It is opening up a whole new world for me personally and with it a whole new level of possibilities for my family future.  The uncertainty of it all admittedly scares me a little bit.  When we discovered that our first born was a girl, I was at peace because there was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a good mother a girl. It seems to me natural and instinctual.  I wonder if my husband felt then what I am feeling now about the possibility of raising a child of a different sex.  But no matter how I feel about it, I know that I am blessed to be given two children, one of each sex, while many have tried and tried again and failed.

Being two thirds of the way in through this process for the second time, I am now just starting to appreciate how much the physical bodies are capable of.  So many things seem so natural and familiar, yet so many more things seems foreign and unreal.  But all of it lead me to the single fact that I am thankful for the ease of it all.  Our conception was fast with both children having only tried once and being able to get pregnant immediately.  We know how very fortunate we are as we witness first hand the frustrations that comes with not being able to conceive when they wanted to with some of our friends.

I am particularly thankful for the ease of both pregnancies, so far.  They were different, but oddly familiar also, consisting of the obviously sick first trimester, the honeymoon second trimester, and the all consumingly tired third trimester.  But through it all, there was not a single day that I cannot handle, and there were many days when I don't even feel like I am pregnant except for the obvious expanding waistline.  My weight gain had always been under control, due largely in part to the fact that I didn't really have any craving other than fresh fruits.  I did not get one single stretchmark with my last pregnancy and the second one seems to mirror the first.  I was gestational diabetes free with both pregnancies, which in my mind is the biggest hurdle to get over. 

I am thankful for the ability to get out of bed every day, to have the energy to get dress and get beautified for the work day, and to be able to work without any serious health interruptions.  I think the clarity and appreciation of exactly what the body is capable of comes the second time around, when there is a toddler in tow who does not allow for the rest that usually comes easily in the first pregnancy.

And as I tackle the homestretch and the ultimate birth at the end, both always prove to be the hardest, I face it with a whole new level of perspective and humility that was not there with the first pregnancy.  Moreover, being that this is the second and the planned last pregnancy, I am balancing the need to savor what's left of it and looking forward to the end where my life moves on beyond pregnancies and births with my two children. Admittedly the hardest part of all of this is the part where we have to raise these beings we created, but the beauty of it all is that there is so much flexibility there, to do what we feel is right for ourselves, for our children, and our family.  No one else has a say in it ultimately and I love possibilities. 

to the happiest on earth and back

Taking advantage of the long holiday weekend, and an unexpected announcement from my mother-in-law that she will be in the state for work, our little family of three braved it all and made the trek to the happiest place on earth and back.  The trip took 6 hours each way, smack dab in the middle of busy holiday traffic, with a toddler, to the busiest place on earth, and in my heavily pregnant state.  In my mind, I was preparing for the worst because I cannot imagine it any other way.  I'd like to think that helped reality a bit, but thanks to many Dora episodes, the trip from start to finish was much better than I imagined.

We left right after work on Friday night and arrived to Los Angeles around midnight.  Dora kept my girl company for the first 3 hours, with occasional distractions on the road of cows and horses and goats (that girl sure does love animals), and the remainder of the ride was bedtime as usual.  I supposed one of the advantages of having a flexible sleep schedule is that she isn't used to a rigid routine, which makes for very pleasant adaption to new environments.  We arrived late, so we hit the bed as soon as we stepped into the hotel room, awaking to a very early morning alarm clock on Saturday morning.

I prepared us so that we don't have to waste time in the morning more than we need to, having the foresight of the early start.  We got dressed and ready in 45 minutes tops and hit the highway again arriving at Disneyland by 8:30am.  Parking, shuttle and entrance takes another 30 minutes, and by nine we were roaming Main Street of the happiest place on earth. 

Road trips and the return to childhood destinations always has a way of bringing back a certain nostalgia, and it's amazing how it is all so very different for each of the individuals occupying the car.  I remember making this trip many times before, not during my childhood days since my family did not "do" vacations (this is a fact because my first vacation occurred when I was 18 and it was with my then boyfriend), but certainly in my late teens and early twenties when a part time college job provided for some disposable income to make this route with friends.  I knew then the day would come to make this trip with my children, alongside a happy spouse as a happy family to the happiest place on earth.  I never did understand why it was call the happiest place on earth in my developed teenage young adult mind then, where knowledge had replaced the imaginative world of magic, but I think I understand now.  This is a place that has to be experienced through the eyes of a child to see the magic, and that my girl did well.

My girl saw "airplane" and requested to ride it immediately, and it will go down in history as her first ride at Disneyland.  The indicated wait time of 60 minutes turned out to be much less, which was a welcome surprise, and next thing we knew, she was boarding.  She didn't enjoy the ride as much as she thought during the 1 minute spin, but as soon as they deboarded, she requested to do it again with her new found vocabulary "again!"  We didn't stand in line again and she soon forgot about it as we goofed around and approached "It's A Small World".

This is an all time favorite of mine, as well as my mother-in-law's who rode it last 40 years ago.  Again, returning to these places has a way of bringing back different memories for different people, but they all have a way of bringing tears to our eyes.  It is on this ride that I watch my girl be in awe of the multitudes of stimulation.  I know that none of it was permanently etched into her young mind, but it certainly has mine and there forever they will stay.

For the rest of the day, we stuck to exploring the park, riding on children and pregnant-people friendly rides that geared towards seeing the park as opposed to being thrilled, watching the parade in the late afternoon, petting goats that left my girl in a stench that cannot be rid off until we changed her, and ending the night at Downtown Disney where we tried beignets and danced to Southern beats in the streets.  We called it a day 11 hours later, each one of us exhausted from our own reasons (I being 27 weeks pregnant, my husband from carrying a 33 lb toddler all day, my MIL from not being as young as she used to be and my girl from toddlerhood).  Exhausted but happy, we returned the hotel room and knocked out no later than 10pm, while we have friends who had 3 more hours to go at the park.  But we walked away with a once in a lifetime, unrepeatable experience, heads full of memories and the intention to do it again some day with another child in tow.

Just like years ago when I was certain I will return to this place with my children, I am certain that we will return here years from now an even happier family witnessing even more magic through our children's eyes.  But for right now, I have the memories of this last trip, my girl's first trip to the happiest place on earth.

27 weeks

 

The end of this week officially marks the end of the second trimester and the beginning of the third.  It seems like a long time coming, yet reaching this point makes it seem very surreal and very real at the same time.  I love being pregnant, but the last leg always proves to be the hardest part of the journey.  So we took this opportunity while I can still be comfortable and active to take your sister to Disneyland over Memorial Day weekend.  It is quite a wonder to be a witness to the very thing that I grew up with, but through my child's eyes.  The icing on the cake was that it was also Daddy's first time being there.  As I absorb in the moment, I couldn't help but wonder what this trip would be like a couple years down the road when you are present, and doing it all as a family of four.  From where I stand, I do love seeing what my imagination was able to produce.  But one of the many things that I have learn is that life has a way of surprising you in a way that your imagination can never imagine, and that is a beautiful thing.

26 weeks

We took a trip to Philadelphia and spent the entire week with your dad's side of the family.  Being that we live 2,500 miles away, we don't get to spend a lot of time with the other half of your extended family, and that will always be the most unfortunate part of geographical distance.  However far the distance though, you are surely loved as proven at the surprise baby shower that your sweet grandma threw for us, where there was abundance of love from family near and far present.  The festivities really kick off the preparation for your arrival. 

We are approaching the last leg of this pregnancy fast, with only a little more than 1/3 of the way to go.  Soon enough, you will be making your appearance in the flesh and we are anxiously awaiting for that day.

Week 91: You only get one pass through life.

Don't just pass through it.

Week 90: The human spirit can survive anything

You will be amazed at how resilient the human spirit can be, and that it can survive the worst of tragedies.  This is not to say that you are not allowed to fall, you just have to get yourself back up. 

25 weeks

 

In front of the Delaware River - Philadelphia, PA.

  

We are getting ready to travel 2,500 miles away to Philly to visit family and make a little vacation out of it before you arrive.  This is also your sister's big chance to meet a lot of family members who have yet to meet her yet, and she is almost two years old.  I wonder when the next time we can make a trip out there so that they all can meet you, too. 

It's been over two long years since we have a family vacation so this trip is very much needed and very welcomed.  I supposed that's how it goes when we decide to have children, other things take the back seat for a while, but we wouldn't change any thing for the world.

Philly Trip, May 2012

Gosh, I haven't had a vacation since December 2009, so the trip to Philly last week was much needed.  But vacation these days with a toddler in tow, especially when an airplane is involved, is much different from past trips, so we didn't know what to expect.  We did research, we went prepared, but mostly we just shoot a prayer to the heavens that it would be smooth and entered the airplane for the 5.5 hour ride.  Surprisingly, our girl did wonderfully on the trip, despite only having slept for an hour on the trip out to Philly. So aside from staying awake the whole time to keep our girl company and being extremely tired from it, we cannot complain at all.

While we enjoyed every moment of the trip, and getting to spend a lot of time (8 days total) with friends and family who we don't get to see often, there really is no place like home and we are happy to be back.  One of the best thing I did was having the foresight to book our return on a Friday, so that we have a full weekend to recover from the trip before having to get back to work.  It was definitely much needed.  I've discovered from past trips that I definitely need a vacation from a vacation.  So, now that our bags are unpacked and our life returns to normal, it is nice to look back at some of the pictures we took on the trip.

We arrived to Philly on late Thursday afternoon.  So other than stopping by my mother-in-law's (MIL) house for a quick dinner and drove an hour out to our destination, we didn't get much accomplished that day.

On Friday we rose early, especially considering the 3 hour time difference between the west coast and east coast, we made the two hour drive to see my father-in-law and his family in New Jersey.  It was a quick trip consisting of the Cape May Zoo and a quick bite to eat before we make the two hour return trip back to Philly.  So while we spent more time driving than the quality time spent with family, it proved to be worthwhile because our girl get to meet her uncle and aunt for the first time.  And while she doesn't typically take the strangers fast, she absolutely adored her aunt Rosemary, and the sentiment is returned.  They are so cute together walking through the zoo hand in hand.

Gorgeous peacock showing off at the Cape May Zoo.
 
   

Saturday was the big day and the reason for the trip - it was Joe's sister's wedding reception.  She got legally married in Jamaica only weeks prior, and held a reception back at home for family and friends.  Our girl played the part of flower girl, unfortunately not very well since there was a lot going on, so it makes for a very tired Mama at the end of the night.  But, it was a beautiful day for a wedding celebration, and it is all worth it.  Congratulations to my sister-in-law and her new husband.

 

Sunday was Mother's Day, and we spent the majority of the day chilling and finally gathering at my MIL's house for a quick get-together.  No must, no fuss.  Other than some internal and private reflecting on what the day mean to me, there was nothing to speak to about it.

Knowing that our week ahead was going to be full, we took the opportunity to relax on Monday, where there was nothing planned on our schedule.  We didn't get dressed until well into the afternoon, when we took our hosts for the trip (Joe's brother and his girlfriend) out to dinner in an attempt to thank them for their hospitality.  We went to Fogo de Choa, an upscale Brazilian steak house in Philly.  The food was wonderful, and the service impeccable, but there was just so much meet that left me filled to the brim and completely uncomfortable in my 6 months pregnant state.  Could definitely do without that last piece of filet mignon, or the dessert and cappuccino. 

On Tuesday, we returned to Philly to go to the aquarium at a nearby town.  Our hosts' house has a little fish tank filled with five fish, and our girl was totally taken with them, insisting on saying good night and good morning to them every single day.  So, the trip to the aquarium was impromptu to show her more variety in her recent interest.  If there is one thing my girl loves, it is animals of all shapes and sizes.

 

Our plan to make the two hour drive to Washington D.C. to visit the nation's capitol was derailed from exhaustion resulting from too much driving during our trip.  After all, my brother-in-law's house that we were staying at during the trip was a good hour drive each way from Philly, so every single day, we find ourselves making the two hour trip back and forth.  So, at the last minute, we decided that we will see the capitol another time and spent the day seeing Amish country instead, where it was the next town away.  Never in my life could I ever imagine that I would be there, witnessing life led a totally different way.  It was breathtaking and eye-opening at the same time.  And boy do they have some wonder antique shops where we spent a good three hour debating what would fit in our limited luggage space.  In the end, we walked away with some small items that my MIL would have to ship back to us.  If only I lived there, I would never have to set foot in another Ikea again to furnish my house.  It was heaven.

We spent the last full day in Philly where we drove around visiting people we haven't seen in a long time.  When I was pregnant with our girl, there were also a lot of people that were pregnant at around the same time.  Ultimately, we all had kids within weeks or months of each other, including one cousin who was born on the exact same day as our girl.  While they lived all the way out in Pittsburg (6 hour drive from Philly), they decided to make the long drive out to Philly to meet up and let the kids meet for the first time after almost two years.  It was wonderful to witness these kids, so differently fated, connected through blood and birth date.  Though I never met these people, it seems like I have known them forever thanks to Facebook and other social media but it was definitely nice to put faces to the names.

 Antonio and Lia, 6 months apart, meeting for the first time.
 
Connor and Lia, cousins, born 6 hours apart, meeting for the first time.
 
Connor, Lia and Lily, 2 weeks apart.
 
  

And in the afternoon, when we returned to my MIL's house after spending some time at the park for what seemingly was a little get-together to bid us farewell, I was greeted by many more guests than I realized who all came for my surprised baby shower.  My dear and sweet MIL had quietly organized the whole thing, and many people make the long drives to make it to celebrate with us and our soon-to-be bundle of joy, and I was completely taken aback and overjoyed.  We were definitely loved that night, so it was hard to bid farewell.

Alas, Friday came, and we indeed had to say our goodbyes.  We left with heavy hearts, not knowing when we will get to see our beloved family again, but hoping soon.  My dear MIL cannot tear herself from my girl as she whispered to her grandma her goodbyes.  As if knowing her cue, she waved gently and gave her a hug that just broke my MIL's heart.  It broke my heart to have witnessed it all, and wished we could have lived closer to prevent such heartaches.  But such is life and it makes us look forward to our next get together when we can be together again.

 

We returned home exhausted but satisfied.  Not sure how we will make it through the week, until I realized that we have a long weekend to look forward to next week.  For now, I am chugging on to get through the work week.